Ladies, I know you feel me.
- The Crazily Overly Persistent Guy
You know the one. Maybe you first replied to his “what’s up, baby?” back in September 2018 with a “haha, nm. Yourself?”
But now it’s the middle of 2020 and he’s still replying. To himself. Because you sure as hell haven’t replied since. Now, you kind of get the message-persistence can be a good thing-but you’re not so sure you agree with the execution.
Because, you think, scrolling up from the message sent at 11:48 AM yesterday, through the periodic messages marking the weeks and the months and the years that have passed since you let that conversation die, what’s his long game?
Whatever the game is, it seems to rely heavily on the use of emojis, especially the winky faces and flowers, with little yellow wave cartoon emoji inter-dispersed. At times, it might be a little overly familiar but it’s never super creepy, until you look at the full scope.
Because this guy is going on longer and harder than the Energizer Bunny. It’s possible, you think, still scrolling up, through messages previously sent to the void, that the world might end in 2020, as the memes have predicted. But this guy, he just might still keep going until the universe collapses. It’s possible that he’ll never stop.
2. The Guilt Tripper
Hey, it sucks to be a guy on a dating app. You’re expected to make the first move by society and you’re expected to do it smoothly. And it doubly sucks when it doesn’t go as planned.
But this guy takes it to a whole other level. If you’re not wise enough to unblock, quick, him when his colors first gloom through, get for a morose ride that feels about as exciting as the rush of obligation you get from doing laundry.
“Guess you weren’t feeling it,” he states, when you fall asleep watching horror shorts on YouTube and forget to reply to his text. “No worries, I wouldn’t be into me, either,” he observes when you tell him you have a conference call with traders and will get back later that night.
“Haha,” he messages you. “did you forget about me” when two days pass and you didn’t answer his bland emjoi. And at this point, you sure wish you had but you’re not sure, quite, how to dump him. After all, you’ve been ghosted by jobs you’ve went through three all day long interviews on. It’s okay to ghost, you think, as a new guilt trip comes in a poorly worded text.
It should be ok to throw this kid like flotsam, right into the sea. But still, you’re seriously afraid what he might do if you don’t reply back with a placating “OMG, I’m so sorry. I was stuck in work”.
3. Mr. Purple Prose
His profile seemed cool. You’ve gone for finance guys in the past and been burned accordingly. But he’s hiking through nature in almost every shot, so you know he’s different. Sensitive. In touch with his emotions. And who doesn’t like an aspiring writer, as his profile self-deprecatingly proclaims?
And his first text is intriguing-he jumps into the deep end with no regards to small talk and you think he wants you more than just as a warm body-but it soon slides into serial killer-esque.
This guy is so overly flowery having a conversation with him is the verbal equivalent of trying to eat miso soup with a three prong fork. He messages and messages and messages and, honestly, if MIT was to do a scientific study of them-of all the messages-they’d find 60% of the messages reference the metaphysical.
He often cites his curiosity or alludes larger society or asks you “the big” questions, as though this was the philosophy class that brought down your average and not a match on a dating app. You play along at first but then you realize sending formatting texts that flow like a virgin river under the light of a new moon is actually taking up a great deal of the time you could be watching cat videos on YouTube.
Also, he’s incapable of anything less. You ask him where he went to college and you get a mini-essay in return. You say you felt sad today and you receive an ethnographic study on the moods of his friends during the pandemic.
“Can you imagine flowers at their inception?” he writes and you sort of can-wouldn’t they just be, like, buds? “The glow of the universe is amazing,” he informs you, out of nowhere, and now you’re slightly turned off. “What do you like to do?” you reply, trying to lead him back into the land of sanity. “I like to experience the universe,” he replies. This is the coup de grace; you’ve lost him.
“Have you had a blessed day?” he asks, at 11pm, when you’ve ghosted for two days. And then you know: it’s time to un-match.
4. The “Defense is the Best Offense” Guy
He’s a familiar archetype that you probably know not to match with from the start. His profile reads immediately as angry: “not looking for lame hookups, I don’t want a pen-pal” and you’re already turned off.
“Don’t bore me,” he warns you, anonymous woman, and you, before swiping right, you wonder what would happen if you did or if you would even care.
Why is he so angry, you wonder? Has he really been hurt so many times on dating apps? And what about this makes him think he’ll be more appealing? You almost want to reach out to try to garner numbers: does he hear back a lot? Is it positive feedback?
And he’s testy, even in his profile, before you’ve given him any reason to be actually testy-solid reasons, like your ability to flake to stay late at work and the amount of emotional walls you keep up around you. “I’ve had it with fake people on this app,” he says and you wonder if he knows this is actually his dating profile and not an online therapy session.
5. The Guy Who is Actually Patrick Bateman Level Psycho
This is the worst guy. All of the others pale in comparison to this guy because this is the guy you never want to meet up with.
You think he’s chill, at first. You talk about ambitions, you talk about your goals for the app. You compliment each other. In short, you both are “vibbing”.
And then maybe you miss a text. Or miss a call, because you thought he was cool enough to trust with your number. Or maybe, you just miss a cue that he blew up in his own mind. You wake up and find out he’s, actually, blown up, normally because of something he’s done or something misinterpreted that he’s gone on to overly personalized.
Maybe this guy feels he’s doing all the heavy lifting in your four day old, text only romance. Maybe you couldn’t meet him at his apartment on a work night and he’s made. Maybe you didn’t want to send those pictures. Maybe you didn’t answer his text at his preferred time. But whatever it is, he freaks out, and now you are actually, seriously scared.
He’ll threaten your work, your body, or your family. Maybe all three, because who’s really counting? For sure, he’ll attack you however he thinks best and will hit the hardest. Maybe he’ll just tell you what a selfish whore you are. If you block him on one form of social media( like the dating app), don’t underestimate his level of crazy. Because this guy will want the last word and he’ll want it to be brutal.
Then he might find you on Linkedin or Facebook or Instagram in order to tell you what how pathetic or selfish or ugly or stupid or fat you are. Or maybe, he’ll just say charming things like “you owe me” because he, apparently, didn’t text other women for the week he was texting you.
Or maybe, he’ll come drunk to, say, Morgan Stanley’s security desk from his big law office a few blocks and an avenue away, demanding you come down from your floor to “see him”. Or he’ll tell you how he knows a couple of the Managing Directors at Accenture and how it won’t be a problem to get you fired, so you have more time to spend with him. You won’t reply, because you won’t know what to say. No experience at your college of mostly women has taught you this protocol. You’ll be that level of freaked.
This guy is saying anything he wants, at this point, and, hey, maybe he’ll go through with all of it because he obviously doesn’t view you as a human being and just doesn’t care about the consequences on your life from not doing so. After all, this has become just a game or just a revenge play for him so you’ll stay dead silent and hope he moves on to better prey.
And after you don’t reply, he could follow up for weeks or months, via new numbers or emails, to see if “though I get it’s a long shot, do you still want to hang out?”
Whatever it is, he takes a few days of texting so seriously, so to heart, that he has no problem wreaking havoc on your self worth and your life due to any conceived slight. It might be possible that you can appease him but, honestly, why would you ever want to? Let him burn.